I'm Not Okay

Day in and out, I have to consciously remind myself to "smile for the cameras" and keep pushing forward for the sake of those around me: my kids, my husband, the family members that we live with, etc. Some days fly by so quickly that I feel like it's been a simple task, but other days each minute seems to weigh more than the one before it.

I'm sure I could easily list some current life stressors as reasons for my roller coaster of emotions. There's a definite possibility that a doctor would be able to confirm some medical reasons for me feeling the way that I do. If neither of those is enough, I'm sure there is a running tally somewhere inside of me of all of the events of my life that have molded me. In the end though, the reasons really don't make all that much of a difference when I'm brushing the tears off of my cheeks or turning my face so that my sons don't see their Mama crying.

I know that I need to do something, but as much as it hurts to feel this way, change scares me more than I care to admit. I worry that I'll make the wrong choices and won't be able to turn back. I worry that my kids will see me as a failure.

I Just Wanna Talk...

It's so disheartening when you don't feel that you can share the things that you're passionate about with those who you love. I wish I had someone that I could talk to about the joy that I get from my new business venture (besides what it's costing me and how soon I expect to be making money from it.)  Silly as it may sound, I'm pretty much down to one person who I discuss anything even related to to the topic with and that's my 2 year old (who loves it!)

Just one of those things I guess.  I'm sure that as the dream becomes a reality, I'll make connections with other people who are in the same field and interested in chatting it up.  Something to look forward to!

In My Head

Right now, I'm what my husband would call "In my head". I've got thoughts bouncing around and driving me nuts. Mostly negative stuff that I probably shouldn't be thinking, but that's just how my mind works sometimes. As much as I try to push away the negative thoughts, they seem to have a mind of their own and not only push back, but multiply! I feel insecure and unloved despite a great evening with my husband. He's sleeping now and I'm in bed next to him wishing he'd hold me and magically make me believe things are ok and that I don't have to worry.